My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
