i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
