so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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