tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
