dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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