chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We are all done wearing pants today
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
