yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
