I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
