does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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