This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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