Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
