I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I currently don't understand fingers.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
