I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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