threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
