i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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