I saw his package. It spoke to me.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
