just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
