My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
