Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
