I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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