I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
