saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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