My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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