she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
They took my balls.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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