I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize