I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
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