he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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