You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
