I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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