How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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