I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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