you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
