my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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