you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
