My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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