I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
