so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
