wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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