he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
