he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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