Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize