Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
