It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
