My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
