How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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