I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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