Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
He passed out mid-signature
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
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