Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
