I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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