I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
