I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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