i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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