Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
