if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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