bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
