Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
