rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
