Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
