I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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