I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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