I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
