It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
