anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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